[01 May 2003|02:35pm] I started tapping my feet on the ground to make a beat. you must understand the house is quiet and im all alone. I needed to hear something. it turned into a violent thrashing though....no beat just noise. I kept at it until my legs were sore and tingly. Its now just a steady one footed beat. I think i miss the days when i used to do tap dancing. I hated it then but i yearn for it now. today anyway. well, i think im going to go do something more productive than this. HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY DOUG!!! Comments: break my heart.

this whole entry is based on a mcflurry [30 Apr 2003|02:01pm] Im plagued with guilt for eating that oreo mcflurry for lunch today. In all seriousness i think i have a problem. I went out to lunch with vika jessica and tiffannie. Tiffannies driving scares me to death but thats besides the point. It was nice, i got an oero mcflurry..just for the hell of it. after all i hadnt had one in a long time and i was very hungry. Now im home. the first thing i do? I go online to mcdonalds.com to look up the nutritional (rather, non nutritional) facts. I see how many calories and how much fat is in this treat i so readly scarfed. fuck. I do the math in my head, lunch+breakfast=a lot I can't stop counting calories. Instead of enjoying food i break it down in my head and add, divide, subtract. Food is math...food is too big of an issue. I got this habit freshman year when i lost weight. I had to do it. I don't want to do it anymore. Why can't I just enjoy things, why am i so obbsessed....I'm making an effort not to care but everytime i look in the mirror i care again. Im so vain that my body image means everything to me. I mean okay so no ones perfect, i accept that..but id love to be better, or different than i am. Im not morbidly obese, in fact i fit into the little range that they say is good for my height. I can find clothes in my size...but i cant wear a bikini or walk without a little extra movement coming from my legs and stomach. I'm another average statistic (tis funny how with grades i try to be above average, but with my weight im dying to be below average..im puzzled as to what would happen if i was actually grossly underweight..then what would be next, what would i yearn to be? ill never be happy with myself) Im fine in others eyes..but i dont like what i see. Im my own worst critic. I'm so brutal to myself, If I treated other people the way i treat myself they would of taken their life already. I have something that eats away at my insides. An evil little voice that insists i hate my body, my mind, my very existence. Its a constant battle..it is. Comments: 1 shard - break my heart.

[29 Apr 2003|06:56pm] Porn rant. I don't care if anyone agrees..its just my own overmedicated rambling. My parents get porn delivered via mail in white oversized envelopes. Sick I have to say I knew they had it all along, but something's wrong when your mother tells you not to open an envelope because its full of "adult stuff". jeeze. I called her a perv and left (get this, of all places for porn to reside) the kitchen. such filth. I can fully appreciate tasteful nude photographs, but when you place naked bodies on motorcycles and call it "play boy" how is that tasteful? Im sure the eye candy is tasteful to some mouths. I'm sure some look on at the perfectly airbrushed, medically endowed bodies longing to own them. interpret that how you will. If it was art, it wouldn't be shamefully stashed away. Okay, so maybe some people have stacks of playboy on their coffee table, but many dont. If your ashamed to place it on a table for all to see then dont call it art, or tasteful. art is to be shared with all. this beauty you gaze at, if a true work of art, wouldn't be hidden in the second drawer from the right, underneath your Christmas sweaters. Comments: break my heart.

[29 Apr 2003|03:38pm] We all neglect our journals, im glad they are as forgiving as they are. now that ive gotten my apologies over with i can actually put some kind of entry in this old thing. lets see, a brief update: I spent the first week of spring break at my boyfriends house. I spent the next week working I'm now back in school wednesday is Dougs birthday, say happy birthday to him if you read this and talk to him, most likely you dont but hey, track him down and say it anyway! say it and mean it! this thursday is our one year anniversary <3, its also amandas 17th birthday, and my one year anniversary of having my license. consider me a driving veteran. proms coming up, ive got everything but the earrings. speaking of earrings i want one more..one or two more piercings and ill be done..for now. oh gee what a rebel. today at school these boys walked up to me and asked to record me, seeing as how i let nathan record me yesterday (ist for a video production class) i half gladly said they could, i was looking down the hole time trying to figure out what my answer would be to their ever so thought provoking question (what would you do if someone stole your blender) then i looked up, and he was holding a radio on his shoulders instead of a video camera..then everyone laughed because im a loser. (if you dont understand, im a loser because i thought he had a video camera..i guess i should be more aware of things) gosh. they thanked me for participating in their survey. They should of called me a jack ass and sent me on my way. I couldnt think of anything to say so i spouted out a "thats mean" or something and carried on to the library. you try to help people and they just trick you. savages. Comments: break my heart.

[26 Mar 2003|09:53pm] Fuck the play. I'm not there to serve. My heads pounding and I want to do is sleep... and maybe make out. If the pain would just stop for an instant..If it would just give me a break, for once..if theyd just say thanx...and mean it..if the world would stop spinning so I could get my feet on emotionally solid ground. If is just a wish that'll remain ungranted to hell with it all. Comments: 4 shards - break my heart.

[12 Feb 2003|09:39pm] [ music | the all american rejects- swing swing ] Enough reality tv. I cant even find something worth watching on TV tonight....It doesnt come as much of a surprise..but honestly, im so sick of the dating shows. The "reality" dating shows. first off, in reality people arnt all perfect looking, and secondly in reality we arnt paid to eat worms, or other things of that sort. some eat them to survive, in reality. how sad is it that california cut education, but $50,000 goes to some boobjob eating rectum. why couldnt the producers donate that money...or do something more productive with it..do something to better the human race, would you? im disgusted right now, with everything..so i decided to get mad at the TV..dont mind me. Comments: break my heart.

[09 Jan 2003|03:50pm] I have several books i want to read....but I dont have the time. Maybe tomorrow, before work. work is mind numbing, but maybe theyll train me on the register soon, so i can feel more important. I need to go see how much ear piercings cost. mmm double piercings. I really want the upper one done too but I have to wait...about 10 months.... its gloomy outside...and I like it. ::wink:: Comments: break my heart.

[12 Dec 2002|11:07am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | taking back sunday ] I have this belt buckle, its gold, it says "sam". Its too bad my name isnt sam, because if it was, then id have a belt buckle with my name on it, and then maybe..just maybe...Id be cool. Id wear this one even though my name isnt sam, but it wont attach to any of my belts. school, soon, and then work. Man, i hate this store. Velma quit yesterday, allegra put in her 2 weeks notice, julie is quiting after xmas, and ryan well..he wants to quit. so long mens department.... and I...will most likely be laid off around christmas, is what im told...not a surprise. I think i want to leave retail and become a waitress...at least they get tips. Comments: 1 shard - break my heart.

[04 Dec 2002|02:00pm] check outsomething corporate good band. Comments: break my heart.

[03 Dec 2002|09:46pm] 50% off sale at JcPenny's tomorrow ::rolls eyes:: great, no wonder they have me working. Doug came this past weekend, it was so wonderful to see him again. =) you know its love when u can just sit together and...watch tv all day, or something of the sort.... and be happy the entire time, not the slightest bit bored. im oh so tired. If no one hears from me till saturday morning, its cuz im working... what slave drivers, they are. Comments: break my heart.

[20 Nov 2002|08:44am] [ mood | cold ] [ music | taking back sunday ] Cold foggy morning. Don't have to be at school until 12. Thank you plan C. I was right when I said she was the way she was. why does this keep happening. is it you, or is it me? hateful, is what you are. mmm. rambling. I'm driving around with my spare tire today, foung a screw in one of them last night, cant go far, cant go fast. 3 gold rims and a lovely black one. man, if my car got any cooler i dont think i could stand it. Nicole says my rims are blingin'. haha. don't look directly at em now, might blind yourself. work tommorow, Dougs coming down the weekend after thanksgiving =) I think thats about it....its been awhile. Comments: break my heart.

[09 Nov 2002|12:40pm] workin today, till 8. Ill probably get off earlier if we can keep the store pretty decent while its open. Micght be kinda hard tho, so many people on the weekends, so little help. yuck to recovery after closing. I hear as it gets closer to xmas, the later we stay around cleaning...sometimes till midnight. mmmm more hours=more money=movin out (eventually) Tanya had asked me if I was going to move out right after hs, shes planning on it and needs roomates. Im going to wait until a little after hs tho, I think shes ganna move in with one of her college friends or something if she cant find roomates. ganna apply to state on monday. I feel like the little kid at work, probably because i am a little kid in comparison to the others, but honestly its like being a freshman in highschool again, young, unaware, out of the loop. Just about everyone working there is in college, or far older (most of the people in my department are college age, most of the people on the floor are) They dont really treat me like im a kid for the most part, I sometimes just feel that way..most of them think im older than i am, do i look older when im dressed up? maybe. The rain's stopped for now, but i hope it returns soon. some guy tried to 'race' me on my way home last night, he was a mean looking character in some kinda car, didnt look to powerful, i kept up with him (i only had to do like 60) and passed him for awhile, but then I slowed way down, the roads were wet, not good to race anyone, im not ganna get into an accident....but once i saw the road was clear i caught up again and passed him right as two lanes merged into one. i dunno why people try to race in the rain....I dont even know why i passed him, some kind of macho thing maybe..to prove a point? can girls even have macho moments..who knows..hopefully the roads wont be as wet tonight as they were yesterday, i love the rain but i dont like driving through a lake for 15 minutes in the dark. i can just see my car spining out of control, its just the kinda car that would...ill do my best to be safe tho. I think im done now..really. Comments: break my heart.

survey says.. [27 Oct 2002|08:47pm] if you have time pleaseeeeee answer these, and if not..well..thanx anyway. [ok so..just copy, paste, fill it out, and email it to me-- woodboywascool@aol.com] 1 name: 2 age: 3 what is your favorite cereal? 4 are the marshmellows the best part of lucky charms? 5 what do you want to be when you "grow up"? 6 whats the first name that pops into your head when you read the word "mmmmm"? 7 You have 10 hours to live, what would you do? why? 8 who do you like better, Clinton or Bush? 9 war: right or wrong? why? 10 sex before marrage: right or wrong? why? 11 would you rather live in canada or mexico? why? 12 Do you believe in God? why or why not? 13 dream car: 14 current infatuations: 15 what does the words "universal language" mean to you? 16 do you speak the universal language? if not, who do you want to speak it with? [If you dont know what the universal language is ask melanie] 17 do you have/want any piercings, if so, where? 18 tattoos, have one? want one? where do you have/want it? 19 what do you want/plan to do after high school? 20 what are your favorite bands? why do you like them? 21 how do you feel about applesauce? 22 define love 23 have you ever seriously considered/attempted suicide? 24 how do you feel deep down? why do you feel that way? 25 is it ok if, at some point i post a few/all of your answers? [i will not include your name] thanx! more to come soon..... Comments: 3 shards - break my heart.

pimptastic poem [23 Oct 2002|08:45pm] [I'm putting this in all of my diarys...just cuz..oh and i stole the word pimptastic from Clif. got to give credit where credit is due.] My eyes have lost their luster since you've been away what's the point of anything not living for today dream of what the future holds can we make it there do the best to get through it all try my best not to care fleeting time I'm giving in I know now what to do In the midst of my confusion I turn to you. [wrote it cuz i was bored, and it isnt very well written either, but oh well, its not like the "poem-police" are going to come after me for my half assed attempts.] Comments: 1 shard - break my heart.

Wish me luck [16 Oct 2002|01:47pm] [ mood | tired ] I have an Interview at 3:30 at JCPenny today. I'm kinda nervous..I just hope I get the job. I have to dress up for it(sorta) its been awhile since ive done that...the clothes dont bother me, its the shoes. its the click click click noise they make when i walk ...cant sneak up on anyone Comments: 1 shard - break my heart.

[10 Oct 2002|09:12pm] went to LA to see the taping of the drew carey show last night w/ drama club. good friends. long drive. Comments: break my heart.

[05 Oct 2002|08:02pm] I havent updated this journal in a long time...once again I neglect it.. so today we had a yard sale at my grandmas house, the majority of people in selma, where she lives, dont speak fluent english, some dont speak any english, so my cousin and I had to flex our spanish skills. I took home some of my cousins books, and some stuff of my grandmas. She had these lacy dress thingys that she wore to her daughters weddings, apparently they were like $200 plus when she bought them (it was a few years ago when she had that kinda money to spend on a one time use dress) I planned on using them for halloween, but theyre kinda tight on me..like i.cant.breathe. tight....I think its because theyre made for a petite woman, and they are size 5/6... im not petite and i wear like size 8 so yeah.. even if i cant wear them its cool to have them, just cuz theyre my grandmas and i really love my grandma. I also got this book of hers, it has Norman Rockwell posters in it. Once i have a house of my own I want to hang some of them up. Theyre cool, and a few have some real meaning to them. Tomorrow Im leaving for yosemite with some people from zoology club, i will be back on monday, and then on wednesday im going to LA for the taping of the drew carey show...im going with drama club...on the 12th i have SATs and the 11th is homecoming.. This is going to be a busy week. Comments: 2 shards - break my heart.

a quiz and a sentence..or something of the sort.. [19 Sep 2002|08:11pm] what sort of weirdo are you? this quiz by belle Doug will be here Saturday! yay! Comments: 2 shards - break my heart.

[08 Sep 2002|09:46pm] [ mood | contemplative ] So I've been thinking about a few things lately, colleges, majors, friendships, change etc etc. I want to look into UC Davis, Humbolt, Fresno State, Pacific University and maybe UC Santa Cruz but that ones iffy. if anyone has any info on any of these colleges or any other college then tell me about em please =) I just want to explore my options before i decide where to go. Im thinking about majoring in Philosophy, but im also thinking about nursing or something in the medical field, i really dont know yet. I just want to work with people, and help them in some way or another. Comments: break my heart.

[24 Aug 2002|11:09pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Good Charlotte- seasons ] I must say ive been neglecting this journal. hell, ive been neglecting a lot of things. Today just isnt a good day. all days are the same. a blur, a long pointless blur. I try to live for today, but all i can think about is tomorrow, when I can be with you. when I say tomorrow I mean, months, even years from now. I can be happy when everyone else is sad, I can be sad when everyone else is happy..my moods seem to conflict with others. Ive cheered them up, and now im crashing. Depression is bittersweet. I'm going to go get good Charlotte's cd tomorrow. thanx to kevan for tellin me more about em, seems as tho theyre my music of the month. I get really into bands until the next comes along..but dont get me wrong, I dont forget about the others. past music of the month (and when i say month i dont mean month, i mean i listen to it for weeks, or months, and then stumble across another band, my music matches my feelings most of the time) p.o.d. korn papa roach staind something corporate 12 stones entire drive thru cd I'm tired now. Im going to email Doug and go to bed. Comments: 1 shard - break my heart.

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